THE 2002 RSFC AWARDS, aka THE RUTSies

run by Dylan Wilbanks
• Other RUTSie Awards
2001 | 2000 | 1999 | 1998 | 1997 | 1996
 
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Introduction
2002 RUTSIES Badge There were 110 ballots counted. Four additional ballots were tossed because they were blatant duplicates. An additional five were not counted because they were "accidental" dupes -- the submit button got double-whacked or the packet switcher was clogged with pr0n or whatever.

One ballot was submitted as a military write-in. The RUTSies salute him and our men who will be involved in the upcoming battles in Iraq and beyond. Godspeed.

Anyway, let's get to it. --dw

The 2002 RUTSies Awards

Divisions: COLLEGIATE | RSFC | HALL OF FAME
(* - designates winner)

Collegiate Division

Lou Tepper Plaque (Dumnest Coaching Change of the Year)
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*46 -- Texas A&M fires R.C. Slocum
32 -- Florida hires Ron ZOOK!
23 -- Utah sacks Ron McBride

Stanfraud Band Award (Strangest Play of the Year)
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*51 -- Appalachian State intercepts a 2-point conversion attempt with 7 seconds left and returns it to win by one point
47 -- LSU's Devery Henderson scores on a deflected Hail Mary (The "Bluegrass Miracle")
9 -- ISU's Seneca Wallace runs about 60 yds east and west before scoring a 12 yard TD against Texas Tech

Roger Pavlik Award (Team Who Most Just Knows How To Win)
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*85 -- Ohio State
8 -- NC State
7 -- Boise State
4 -- Georgia

The Kevin Steele Award (Worst play-call/coach of the year)
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*43 -- Ron Zook, Florida, the bizzare backwards lateral that lost the Outback Bowl
32 -- Walt Harris, Pitt, loses game against aTm because the center was wearing the wrong jersey number for a center
30 -- Frank Solich, Nebraska, throwing to the end zone late against Texas when they were in FG range

Maginot-Saddam Award (Worst Excuse for Defense in a game)
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*55 -- Notre Dame (610 total yds and 44 pts) vs. U$C
32 -- Michigan State (536 total yds and 61 pts allowed) vs. Penn State
11 -- Baylor (460 total yds and 56 offensive pts allowed) vs. Cal
5 -- Tulsa (giving up 290 rushing yards to a team which averaged 99 yds/game otherwise) vs. La Tech
2 -- Michigan (399 total yds and 34 pts allowed) vs. Iowa

Eminem Award (Worst Excuse for an Offense in a game)
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*53 -- Iowa State (60 total yds, 3 pts) vs. Oklahoma
43 -- Notre Dame (109 total yds, 6 offensive pts.) vs. U$C
6 -- Ohio State (266 total yds., 10 pts.) vs. Purdue

The Fifth Down Award (worst single officiating call of the year)
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*38 -- Iowa State - FSU, Seneca Wallace called out of bounds when he wasn't
27 -- Miami - Ohio State, ruling pass incomplete on 3rd down in the Fiesta with 2 minutes to go
24 -- Miami - Ohio State, INT/pass interference in the end zone in the first OT

Da Golden Spur (Most arrogant/conceited personality of the year)
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*42 -- Maurice Clarett
28 -- Kellen Winslow Jr.
18 -- Joe Paterno
9 -- Rick Neuheisel

The Nady Katsenmoyer (Dumnest Student Atlete of the Year)
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*38 -- Chris Rix, FSU (overslept a final, suspended for Sugar Bowl)
35 -- Justin Levasseur, Arizona (87 lbs of pot, a "disgrace to his family")
20 -- Adrian McPherson, FSU (cashing forged checks)
12 -- Jeff Smoker, Michigan St (she don't lie, cocaine)

The Boz Award (Worst Achievement by former coach or player outside of football this year)
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*53 -- Eric Crouch, quits NFL without playing a down
38 -- Adrian McPherson, ex-FSU, cashing forged checks
7 -- JC Watts, resigning Congress because he was tired of Tom DeLay asking him to shine his shoes

The Taliaferro Award (Best achievement by former coach or player outside of football this year)
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*40 -- Pat Tillman, quits the NFL and joins the Army
36 -- Anthony Thomas, pulling a man from a burning car
16 -- Neal Parry, for trying to return to the SJSU team
7 -- Tom Osborne, US Congressman and Neb. guv candidate
4 -- Adam Taliaferro, for still being alive

The Beano Kiss of Death (most overhyped player)
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*56 -- Chris Simms, Texas
29 -- Seneca Wallace, Iowa State
19 -- Ken Dorsey, Miami

The SI Cover of Death (Most overhyped team)
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*39 -- Notre Dame
29 -- Texas
25 -- Tennessee
11 -- Miami

Gamecock Award (Most improved/turnaround team of the year)
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*53 -- Iowa
18 -- Notre Dame
17 -- West Virginia
15 -- Ohio State

Hatfield & McCoy Award (Best Rivalry)
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*37 -- Michigan - Ohio State
31 -- Alabama - Auburn
31 -- Oklahoma - Texas

Rodney King Sceptre (Biggest Ass-kicking)
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*33 -- U$C makes Notre Dame bend and submit, 44-13
27 -- Penn State bloats Larry Johnson's numbers against MSU, 61-7
19 -- Penn State devastates Nebraska, 40-7
11 --Texas Tech KLIFF!!!ifies Clemson, 55-15
11 -- Cal dunks Baylor, 70-22
3 -- NC State gators Notre Dame, 28-6

PeptoBismol Tablet (Upset of the Year)
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*40 -- Connecticut over Iowa State
27 -- Texas A&M over Oklahoma
24 -- Ohio State over Miami
12 -- Boston College over Notre Dame

The Whoa Nelly (Game of the Year)
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*78 -- Ohio State vs. Miami
12 -- Miami vs. Florida State
12 -- Kentucky vs. LSU

The ITCHY BUNG (Play of the Year)
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*63 -- LSU: deflected Hail Mary against Kentucky
22 -- tOSU: Maurice Clarett stripping the ball after the INT in the Fiesta Bowl
18 -- tOSU: Craig Krenzel 37-yard TD pass to Jenkins on 4th down against Purdue

The Cheatin' Bear's Checkered Hat (Coach of the Year)
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*51 -- Jim Tressel, tOSU
32 -- Kirk Ferentz, Iowa
17 -- Tyrone Willingham, ND

RSFC's Heisman Trophy (Best overall college football player, ANY DIVISION)
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*25 -- Carson Palmer, U$C
18 -- Brad Banks, Iowa
14 -- Byron Leftwich, Marshall
12 -- Charles Rogers, Michigan St.
9 -- Curt Anes, Grand Valley State University
9 -- Willie McGahee, Miami (Fla)
7 -- Kliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech


RSFC Division

Posts

Best Feature (for best periodical posting on RSFC)
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*29 -- Pickin' On The Big Ten, Mark Hasty
26 -- Ernie's Chicken, Ernie Harrison
22 -- RSFC Weekly, Thomas Gray
14 -- 2 Daves, Dave Swanger, Dave Magee, Wade Moricle, WebBeotch

The Weird Al Yankovick Award (Best song parody or poem of the year)
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*17 -- The Sounds Of Violence, Jeff Tindall
15 -- We're Not Even Rated, Chris Boyd
15 -- The Devil Went Down to the Bayou, Jeff Tindall
12 -- Gig 'Im, Thomas Gray
11 -- Stanfurd Tree, Gary "Goob" Smith
9 -- Really Suck Tennessee, Ed Baggott
6 -- Me and My Blue Pony, Darryl Spillmann

The Deep Throat Trophy (for best fake news story of the year)
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*41 -- REPORT: Notre Dame to dump leprechaun, change name, Jefferson Glapski
26 -- Please to treat with great sincerity, Mark Hasty
20 -- Alabama Threaten Secession from the Union, Richard Stroud
6 -- Major Ogilvie quits Bama for Tulsa, Chase Kasper

The Red-Bellied Tickler (for best Bait on RSFC)
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*61 -- I am Ashamed of Our Olympic Champions, Jon Enslin
35 -- Attendance for England v. Brazil, Chris Boyd

Best Schtick/Catchphrase (not necessarily from this year alone)
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*37 -- GONNA ROLL!!!
33 -- To Alabama
23 -- RSFCK! ($1)

Van Gogh Award (for best RSFC inspired art)
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*50 -- RSFC Weekly, Thomas Gray
38 -- Oliver's Weauxfing Theorem: Fact or Fiction?, Tony Rice

The Seamstress Award (for best thread of the year)
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*48 -- Why this woman hates pron movies, begun by Peach/WiNK
28 -- *I* am Ashamed of Our Olympic Champions, begun by Jon Enslin
16 -- Attendance for England vs Brazil, begun by Chris Boyd

The Ray Bradbury Trophy (best flame of the year)
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*48 -- OT - To the stupid-ass black woman I hit this morning, Colette Marine
vs. Hugh Sullivan
29 -- Never make the cool threads?, Bill Lang vs. Mike Coffey
19 -- Never make the cool threads anymore?, Mike Coffey vs. Bryan Slick

Best Post of the Year
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*57 -- I have obtained a chicken, Ernie Harrison
24 -- OT: Why This Woman Hates Pron Movies, WiNK/Peach
15 -- *I* am Ashamed of Our Olympic Champions, Jon Enslin


Individuals

The Danny Ainge Trophy (biggest whiner[s] on RSFC this year)
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*59 -- Bryan Slick
24 -- The Penn State fans on RSFC
19 -- Jefferson Glapski

The Slick-Masin Line (Poster whose single action spoiled the party for everyone)
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*46 -- Hoover, just because
29 -- Bryan Slick, for AFO&Uing the RSFC fantasy baseball league
23 -- Scott Hendryx, for suggesting this rsfcking RUTSie

The Stuck Button Award (Lowest signal-to-noise ratio)
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*27 -- Hoover
24 -- Mike Dahmus
23 -- Bryan Slick
22 -- a@b.c
8 -- Carl Banks

Bandwagon Fan of the Year (most fair-weathered fan)
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*74 -- a@b.c
19 -- Buckeye Dave
4 -- Bryan Slick

Ponderosa Trophy (most bandwagonning group of fans)
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*46 -- Miami (Fla)
30 -- Ohio State
21 -- Notre Dame

The Gilbert Godfried Plaque (Most annoying poster)
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*52 -- Lakers 4PTR 4 HRN
28 -- Bryan Slick
24 -- Hoover

The Heiskell Trophy (Worst poster of the year)
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*42 -- Hoover
31 -- Bryan Slick
21 -- Jon Esquivel

The Pets.com Sock of Shame (for best sockpuppet, or poster who acts most like a sockpuppet)
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*41 -- Merry McGrath
28 -- Hoover
27 -- a@b.c

Missing-in-Action Award (Most missed former poster to RSFC)
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*29 -- Tommy Rooney
28 -- Clark Moore
18 -- Ted Smith
15 -- Ernie Harrison

Rookie of the Year (for best newbie to RSFC, Jan-Dec 2002)
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*23 -- Wink/Peach
13 -- Vijay Ramanujan
12 -- Ernie Harrison
10 -- Daniel Seriff
8 -- Scott Harper
7 -- Matt Hennig
7 -- Tonawanda Kardex
5 -- Scott Hendryx
4 -- Rock Walker
1 -- Dave Reid
0 -- Heather

Mr. Science (for poster who has the best grasp of college football)
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*42 -- Vijay Ramanujan
41 -- Chris Stassen
16 -- Steve Casburn

The Pescadero Award (Best Fisherman of the Year)
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*42 -- Jon Enslin
28 -- Jefferson Glapski
13 -- Chris Boyd
10 -- Bryan Slick

The Dolly Parton Award (Best Chyk/Womyn/Diva poster of the Year)
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*46 -- Peach/WiNK
26 -- Colette Marine
20 -- Deb McKenna
8 -- Elizabeth

The Kramer (Funniest Poster of the Year)
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*29 -- John Rogers
22 -- Chris Boyd
20 -- miJ Nadrews
15 -- Jefferson Glapski

The Golden Ballsack (for best poster of the year)
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*83 -- Vijay Ramanujan
5 -- Bryan Slick


Hall of Fame

Veterans Committee voting

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Eight votes, seven nominated, but only one received two votes:
Dylan Wilbanks.

Regular Ballot

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Two top votegetters gain admission. 139 total votes cast.

1. John Rogers, 17
2. Dylan Wilbanks, 16
t3. Mark Hasty, 10
t3. Jon Russell, 10
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5. Bryan Slick, 8
6. Jeff Tindall, 7
t7. Jon Enslin, 6
t7. Daryl D. Spillman, 6
t9. Matthew Hennig, 5
t9. Peach/WiNK, 5
t9. Deb McKenna, 5

4 votes: Scott Hendryx

3 votes: Ted Rathkopf, Chris Boyd, Ted Smith, Chris Grovich

2 votes: Mike Masin, Ernie's Chicken, Bill "mutt" Lang, skippy, Andrew Smith

1 vote: Aaron Borgman, Bradley Dale Glover, Brian Saunders, Colette Marine, Eric West, hoover, Hugh Sullivan, J.J. Clyde, James Kennedy, Jamie Schrumpf, John Leinaweaver, Richard Stroud, Phil Harbison, Steve Casburn, Thor (Eric Enholm), Tony Rice, Tracy "Eggman" Sweat, Evil (Jeff) Rogers

Unlike Nikk, I will not decline the HoF nod. I have all the votes and data here to prove it I didn't fix the vote too much if anyone wants to audit it. There's more to this I'll discuss in a bit.

Either way, this means the third place votegetter gains admission, and there's a tie. So, the RSFC Hall of Fame Class of 2002 is:

• Mark Hasty
• John Rogers
• Jon Russell
• Dylan Wilbanks

Ephemera:

Carson Palmer won both the RSFC Heisman and the cheap imitation bric-a-brac from the Downtown Athletic Club. Since the RSFC Heisman was established, this has happened only one other time: 1998, when both groups chose the eventual Mrs. Mike Ditka.

Most of the votes broke down by region pretty cleanly. The Big1011 teams/players that won are clearly due to the Axis of Evil that is Ann Arbor, Columbus, and Happy Valley (not to mention fellow travelers in Evanston and East Lansing). As a side note, the coalition of people who voted Skippy Sweatervest for Da Spur consisted mostly of Big XII and Oregon people.

Most no votes for a category: the Yankovic, with 25. Least: Stanfraud, with 3.

One person voted a straight "no vote." Anyone want to guess which bluehaired stuckbutton did this?

Multiple award winners:
3 -- Hoover, Peach/WiNK
2 -- Jon Enslin, Vijay Ramanujan

This is the first time a non-sockpuppet woman has garnered the most awards.

This year's Susan Lucci is Chris Boyd, going 0 for 5. Slick collected one award out of nine nominations.

Epilogue

Doing the RUTSies the last three years has been a thankless job that's involved equal parts fun, pain, and some serious grunt work. I've enjoyed it, but it's time to move on. Three years was long enough for Nikk, and it's long enough for me. Someone else could do a much better job than me. Anyone who wants to step up and take over please do. If it's consensus that the RUTSies need to die, you won't get any objection from me. I'd be willing to share my suggestions for improving things.

Anyway, it's been fun. All the best.
dw
--
Dylan Wilbanks
Seattle, WA
And he's not responsible for what he's doing
Cause his mother made him what he is.
-- Ray Wylie Hubbard



• Other RUTSie Awards
2001 | 2000 | 1999 | 1998 | 1997 | 1996
 

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